Monday, July 2, 2012

The Pretender

That title could very well describe me. For 50 years, I was just this quiet guy who went to work, had many failed relationships and two marriages. It took the birth of my daughter to wake me up, so to speak. I devoted much time to her upbringing and feel proud that I did an o.k. job. I buried my sister in 2000, my brother in 2008 and my mother in 2010. People say that I did a wonderful job taking care of my family. Well maybe I did and maybe I did not. When I had to put my sister in a nursing home to live out the last few weeks of her life, she blamed me for it. "Why are you doing this to me", she asked. During the last year of my brother's live, I actually told him over the phone..."Herb, you're dying. We both know it". After my mother's dementia got so bad that I had to call 911 and have her taken to the hospital, she actually said to me, "I don't like you". Those three episodes are a hell of a legacy to live with. Sometimes, I wish I had been the one to go first. I wonder how the three of them would have handled things any differently. I am not the person that I portrayed on my blog. I kind of let it go to my head. I am not the kind of person that normally would follow bands around or go to blogger events. Like I said, I got caught up in the personality of ATGR. That was my manic persona. My normal depressive persona is the true me and I have fought that fight most of my life. Don't get me wrong, I met a lot of good people through the local blog scene. Two, Tim and Bill, I stay in contact with. They know my history and do what they can to help me out. At the moment, I am going through the very difficult procedure of filing chapter 7 bankruptcy. After that is hopefully resolved, I will still not be able to afford my very hefty mortgage payments. I guess that I will become a foreclosure statistic. I have a lot of work ahead of me, and I hope that I have the strength to pull it off. It is not easy clearing out a house full of decades of collections. I did it first for my mother and then for my brother. I do not want to saddle my daughter with that daunting task. In the end, I have no one to blame but myself. "Are you there, say a prayer for the pretender". "Started out so young and strong,only to surrender". "Say a prayer for the pretender".